Links for 2011-05-20

Serious

:: The Tulip Girl posts this quote from Bryan Chapell, and not a moment too soon. I need this kind of encouragement.

::Some of you may know that my school days are among my least fasvorite memories. Here, Ann Voskamp writes about redemption for painful memories.

::You knit me together in my mother's womb. Click.

Silly

::Smiaguel. Hahahaha.

::A shorn alpaca.

Other

::Yumm. More in-a-jar baking.

::Families need each other. If it's true among the animals, how much more among us people?

How I Know My Sister-in-Law Loves Me

When she starts her mass-sibling-update-email with this paragraph:

It's been a wild several weeks. It seems like it's been about a month since I've had a weekend to myself. I know some of the more outgoing of you wouldn't understand (Krista! ), but I seriously needed a weekend to just BE and not have anything going on or anybody wanting to do anything with me.

Aaaah. Being singled out is awesome! Even more awesome is knowing that all the siblings will read that interjection and laugh.

Two funnies...

Some of you may know that my husband and some of his siblings say "Oh, gravy!" to express frustration instead of other phrases that may or may not include God's name.

Well, last Thursday, I was looking at my list of things to do before 2pm, and I had forgotten one thing. "Oh, gravy!" I said. I meant it literally.

It was pretty funny!

---

I got on the elevator with a colleague yesterday. (Let's call her...Bianca.) The thing about working at a children's museum is...sometimes educators let the immaturity out and just have a good time.

This is what Bianca and I do. Do you know what we do when we're on the elevator together? We (this is embarrassing)...we make loud, obnoxious...we make fart sounds...and laugh ourselves silly.

Yesterday, I was on my cell phone, and Bianca stepped on the elevator. She got a gleam in her eye, and made the loudest fart sound ever.

You know who was on the phone? My mother-in-law. I heard her pause in what she was telling me, and hesitantly go forward with her talking. I know she heard. I was in the elevator. And Bianca ripped a loud one!

Then, I got the giggles. I had to explain, but how do you explain that it was a fake fart sound? That sounds like blaming, like I didn't want her to know that I passed a good, loud bit of gas. But I didn't! I mean, I didn't fart! I only happened to be in the elevator when Bianca faked a superloud fart!

Well, MIL giggled when I told her, paused again, and went on with her story. (What else do you do in a situation like that! There's no section of etiquette training that says 'Here's what you do when your daughter-in-law gets in a situation that involves fart sounds.')

I'm sure it'll never be mentioned again.

It was pretty funny.

Like/Don't Like Illustrated Edition!

Things I Like:

The Library

Hugs, and pictures of ridiculously cute cats

Shopping in a nearly empty store

Colby Cheese

Cheese and Crackers

The occasional boys' choir song...especially at Christmastime

Compliments

Things I Don't Like:

Black Friday Shopping

Precious Moments

Swiss Cheese

Hearing too much of the boys' choirs (oh, the shrillness)

Pate

It's getting to be a habit. This is my 3rd post with nothing but linkage.

This Modesty Heart Check will be useful to me when 1) I start teaching middle schoolers again or 2) I ever have daughters.

So will this three-part series on modesty. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

I can't get out of bed in the mornings, and this list might help!

I'm going to browse through this list of organizers.

Motivation to do those chores I hate (I hate all chores, so this ought to be good).

I like this take on the marking of time.

Here's an organizer's take on setting goals.

The same organizer writes about evening routines.

Aaaand for fun: here's a dude who travels around correcting typos in public places. Hooray!

Early Mornings

I'm still not a morning person. I don't like to get up, I'm not good at getting up, and those people who get up with a smile (didn't Cinderella get up with a song in her heart and a spring in her step? you know, with the birdies singing all around her?) make me a little mad.

Coffee helps. So does my husband, who gets me up ever so nicely. And he's persistent.

I have an 8:00 class at Covenant. My very first class ever (10 years ago!) was an 8 o'clock, and I remember thinking that 8:00 am was terribly early--terribly early!!!--and that the professor would understand if I nodded off during class.

Hah.

This morning I saw a classmate nodding off. Seriously, the bill of her baseball cap was resting on the desk. (That was a trick I would have pulled--wearing a baseball cap to class--if I'd had a baseball cap. I didn't, and still don't. Trust me--I'm not a hat girl, in much the same way this girl isn't a hat girl.)

Anyway, it just makes me think--these last 6 years post-college of getting up for a job have really taken the edge off that. Here are some factors that have helped:
1) The accountability of a job. People depending on you to come in--and a financial penalty if you don't come in.
2) Coffee. I should have had a coffee pot in college. Then I would not have fallen asleep in my 8 o'clocks.
3) Getting up earlier than 5 minutes before you need to. It may have been 10 years (10 years!) since my first ever 8 o'clock, but I still have the strong urge to get back into bed (oh, bed, I love you!) for an hour after I get out of bed. Plus, it takes me about 30 minutes of uprightness and consciousness to become truly alert. My brain has to shake out the last of the cobwebs.

If only I had known these things in my college days. Although, to be honest, I probably would still not have gotten my carcass out of bed in a reasonable and responsible manner.

Stop, Thief!!

Libraries...for the really motivated police officers. Hah.

Bonding styles

If you know my family, you know that we like to talk and chitchat and visit when we get to be together. It's rare that we're all together anymore, so when we have the chance, we squeeze in all the conversations we missed out on. I might be doing dishes with my mom, or making salsa with my sister, or carrying groceries in with Dad, and talking about mundane things like "there was this one time I was making dinner for Ian and I forgot I ran out of onions, so I used onion powder!" or deep things like "and so when I started doing devotions again, it felt as good as coming home after a long absence."

Being with Ian's family for Christmas 2006 was interesting. They don't (necessarily) bond by talking--they bond by being in the same room together. Seriously: they have spent entire afternoons sitting in the same room and reading books, occasionally chuckling aloud. One of them might get up and get a glass of water and show love for the siblings by offering to get them a glass of water, too.

And then--those ice storms hit, and we lost power for the last 4 days of our visit. (Thankfully, we had water, because we were on the town's water system instead of having an electrically-powered water pump!) It was cooooooold! By the time we left, it was colder inside the house than outside, because at least the sun was shining outside! Whew! No electricity also meant no TV, no movies, and even though I brought my sewing machine along--no sewing. What's left? Nothing, but reading, reading, reading. Ack!

Imagine--gregarious me in that situation! Hah. It was a learning experience, to be sure. And learn we did! I learned to relax and learn how to 'just be together' and my new family learned how to chitchat and visit and talk with me.

We're still learning, though. Ian and I each retreat to 'default mode' when we're tired or stressed out, and my being quiet or his talking with me becomes an act of service. Sometimes it's sacrificial service! When I spend time with my in-laws, I'm learning to re-think what 'bonding' is: it doesn't always have to be chitchat. There are other perfectly reasonable and fulfilling ways to do things like bond and share family affection.

Question: How do you bond? If you are married, how do your bonding styles differ? Have you figured out some of the 'ropes' between you and your in-laws?

Seventeen More Puns

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
12. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
13. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
14. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
15. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
16. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
17. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

Article (With Citation!) of Funny Metaphors

You may have read some of these analogies around the internet. No, I'm sorry, high school students did not write them. They're from a metaphor/simile contest. Here's the actual news article (and citation!) they came from. They are funny! Read and chuckle.

These are the results from Week 310 of The Style Invitational, published March 14, 1999:

Report From Week 310

in which you were asked to come up with lame analogies. The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved to death by Abraham Lincoln. And so we had to create a separate category to honor those entries that came too close to actual literature to qualify as "bad." Here they are:

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell'arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Now, back to the gloriously bad analogies.

Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Fifth Runner-Up: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her [body] heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

And the winner of the Smorked Beef Rectum: The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield)

Honorable Mentions

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. (Ralph Scott, Washington)

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist. (Greg Dobbins, Arlington)

He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. (Nanci Phillips Sharp, Gaithersburg)

You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in. (Alan S. Jarvis, Fredericksburg)

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was stacked like Pamela Anderson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often. (Jim Seibert, Falls Church)

They were as good friends as the people on "Friends." (Katie Buckner, McLean)

[one metapor deleted here]

He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And Last: Joe was frustrated, like a man who thought his claim to fame was occasional appearances in a weekly humor contest, but in fact is known to millions as a stupid high school student who writes unintentionally humorous bad analogies. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Taken from washingtonpost.com (14 March 1999) http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/16/AR2007031600738_pf.html

Recent Email Conversation, or, It Amazes Me what People Actually PAY for!

Subject Line: A Gift Idea for You?

---

Me: Wouldn't you LOOOOVE this calendar??? Wow. Just--wow.

Her: *Gasp!* How did you KNOW?! I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED that!! Oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

Me: I laughed till I cried. I'm in the public library now and am laughing (inside) but also outside with my hand over my mouth. Even just his name is sick. Mister Winkle. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

Her: yeah, pretty much. showed it to my aid and she was like "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww, he's so cuuuuute!" uh. ok. i guess.

Funny Tees

Here are funny t-shirts. Chuckle, now.

Please to enjoy:

Here are some fun and funny photos from a recent email forward I received. Please to enjoy:

SAD CAT:


SORRY PUPPY:


AND YET, RONALD REMAINS, HAPPY AND WELCOMING:


I'D RATHER HOLD IT, BUT THANKS ANYWAY:


POOR SPATIAL INTELLIGENCE:


ALWAYS DOUBLE-CHECK:


HOPE YOU HAD INSURANCE:


...AND, HERE IT IS, MY FAVORITE...and can I just ask how in the world do you make a mistake like this one???

Thirty Terrible Puns

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours, and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.