Bubbles, Play Dough, and Predestination

I put J1 in the tub last night and added a generous squirt of baby shampoo so he could have a bubble bath. He was transixed. So fluffy! So bubbly! He tried holding the bubbles, grabbing the bubbles, collecting the bubbles, but no dice. They didn't act like water or dirt or sand or anything else. They were bubbly.

This weekend J1 got to play with homemade play dough. I was working in the kitchen--near, but not involved--and spend a minute or so watching him. He pulled. He made little bits. He tried to get all of it off his fingers. He held it up in the air. All this time he was talking to the dough, making sound effects. It doesn't act like dirt or sand or scrambled eggs or cheese. It's doughy.

...

About 10 years ago I asked God to teach me about predestination. I'm a good Calvinist, so of course I believe in predestination. It's Biblical, and I long to give the Bible authority in my life in everything. So I trust God and trust the Bible's teaching, but that doesn't mean I understand it...or even that I always like it. It really doesn't seem fair. Does God really set some aside to be His people and set others aside to be eternally damned? Can God really do that? How does that glorify Him best? These questions knock around in my head and heart whenever I run across passages that teach this tricky doctrine. (This happens often, because these passages are sprinkled throughout.) Finally, in my early 20s, I asked God to please, please, help me understand about this mysterious teaching. I want to understand. I want to believe. I want to know. I want peace.

Constantly trying to understand was robbing my peace. I set my mind to trusting God to teach me in his own time.

Fast-forward. (Haha, remember the Yada-Yada Seinfeld episode? So much is skipped in the "yada yada yada." I've had a lot of lessons learned in the intervening 10 years!) I have a toddler who's bright, observant, intelligent. He grasps new concepts so quickly. I hardly have to show him something but that he remembers it and applies it to the next thing there is to learn. He can do step-by-step tasks. He's amazing. But the bubbles and the play dough astound him.

I could explain them to him. "The soap works with the water to increase the surface tension of the water, and the agitation of the water coming out of the tub faucet aerates the water. Hence, bubbles." And for play dough: "The acid in the cream of tartar works with the flour and the water to make gluten. The protein in the flour strings together into long chains. A polymer is formed (you know, like Silly Putty). The salt is sharp and cuts the glutens before they get too long and render the dough solid. The oil serves to soften the whole thing so it's pleasant to squish."

But please. My 16 month old can't understand such talk. It's clear to you or me--adults--but a baby can't grasp that kind of thought. So I don't tell him. I just let him play. Splash, son! Make bubbles! Increase your gross motor coordination! Squish, son! Develop your fine motor skills and your dexterity and your finger strength! Play on!

God says in Isaiah, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways." His way is a cut above ours, just as my ways are a cut above J1's. As I don't burden J1 with overly technical and incoprehensible (to him) explanations of simple things like bubbles and play dough, so God does not burden me with incomprehensible explanations of His secret, simple things.
::Predestination.
::Hell and heaven.
::The roles of men and women in the home and in the church.
::Vengeance.
These are all on the edge of my ability, but true comprehension of them are impossible for me, just as polymeric formation and surface tension are beyond my dear boy's comprehension.

This knowledge brings me peace. I am free to enjoy what I do understand.

Thank you, Lord, for making me a parent. I know you, your Father-heart so much better now.

How Standing at the Crib Rail is Like Standing in a Pew

When I stand at the lowered crib rail, I rest my hands on it and it is the same posture I assume at church on Sundays. I don't think this is a coincidence.

Motherhood is hard. It's so rewarding...I love Baby J so much...but this is hard. It's truly a crucible. I'm only 6.5 months into it (at least with Baby J on the outside), and I'm already astounded at the power this child has over me and the ways his presence in my life reveal hidden sins.

Crucible. noun. 1. a container of metal or refractory material employed for heating substances to high temperatures. 2. Metall. a hollow area at the bottom of a furnace in which the metal collects. 3. a severe, searching test or trial.

I spent an hour last night sitting with Baby while he cried. He wanted to nurse. He was angry-crying because he wanted something I had and wouldn't give it to him. I kept encouraging him that he could do it, that he had his paci and his lovey, that he was cozy and warm...that he was capable of soothing himself and I would stay with him while he did...but oh, it was hard.

Frequently I remind myself that it's about the 'long game:' that I ultimately want him to become a healthy, capable, self-confident, un-co-dependent adult male. This is not about me! It's about Baby! So many times I pray that any particular decision I have to make would be the right one. I don't want to be motivated by the desire to win the battle, to prove that I am right, to show that I am bigger/stronger/smarter/more powerful than this tiny human. That's bullying. I want it to be about him.

But last night...right after I had been praying about some kind of guidance, my husband and I had words (NOT an argument, just words) about the crying (oh, the crying) and my letting Baby cry it out...There's that moment, where you're at a crossroads that seems so intense and important. ("should I let him cry? what if he's really actually hungry? should I pick him up? what should I do?"), and here's came my dear husband to talk and discuss what was going on. (Nothing like 3am and interrupted sleep to help you get to the meat of a debate! Maybe they should have presidential debates at 3am while babies cry for food/love/warmth/coolness/diaper changes/whatever! THAT is an idea!) So my husband comes in and we discuss what to do...I still didn't think I should pick him up and feed him because then my hour's worth of work would all be wasted and I'd lose this battle!

Hm. That was a real sign that something deeper was at work here. Was it really about Baby or about me?

So I gave him some pain meds, because he seems to be uncomfortable with his teething these days as well. About 10 minutes after that, he calmed down and fell asleep.

Then husband and I retired to our bedroom and I leaned over my side of the bed, held my head in my hands, and prayed. I didn't want to kneel (so far down! so close to the flat, comfy floor!) and I didn't want to get in bed (so comfy, not good for praying) but I couldn't stand anymore, so I leant over the bed with my head in my hands: half-comfy, half-standing. I prayed--because I learned in that crucible something about myself:

As much as I want to be about the business of the Lord--discipling His children, caring for this home he's given me--it's still about me. I make it about me. That's idolatry. You know what else? Telling myself it's about my son, working to help him become a strong, Godly adult...that can become an idol as well. It makes me at heart no better than the Toddlers and Tiaras moms I so quickly judge.

May it not be about me, or about Baby, or about my marriage, or anything else--only, ever, always about Christ and his glory. Standing at the crib-rail-pew, this was impressed upon me. May I truly learn it.

Five Minute Friday: Beauty

Beauty

For many years I was under the impression that true inner beauty, that of a gentle and quiet spirit, meant that I had to become un-vivacious and turn into a dull, mousy slip of a woman. However, because the Bible commends a G & QS (my abbreviation for 'gentle and quiet spirit), I began praying about how to develop a G & QS while still being myself.

I am not a slip, dull, or mousy. I am headstrong, a hoyden (one of my college professors even told me I was the definitive hoyden: 'a bold and unruly girl." I took it as a compliment), vivacious, energetic. Blunt, sometimes pushy, controlling. But not dull. Never dull.

I began asking other women about the G & QS. Mostly I asked my peers, other college-age women in the same place I was in. I started observing older women around my, trying to figure this thing out.

Still, I haven't figured it out. But in the near-decade since then, I've been through many adventures. Some were grueling and wore me down to a nub. Others were exhilarating and carried me to heights I never dreamed. All, in hindsight, were God's gracious answers to my prayers about developing the G & QS. I was learning to let go (forced to let go!) parts of my Self I held dear, parts I never thought I'd release. I was learning new lessons and new skills, traveling to deeper depths of repentance over sin and anger over injustice than I knew were possible, tireder than I thought I could be and still getting up the next day to do it again.

And God has traveled with me.

Perhaps my body is still un-remarkable, but I see my inner beauty reflected in the people around me, and I am beautiful.

Five Minute Friday: On Forgetting

(forgive me: I've been away on vacation for three weeks.)

On Forgetting

I'm a forgetter. I've always been a forgetter. I forgot about Color Days in pre-school. I forgot homework throughout my school years. I've forgotten to pay bills. I've forgotten to deposit paychecks. I've forgotten my husband's birthday (although I had a one-month-old at the time). I forgot the time my baby was born (though I was high on morphine at the time). Like I said, I'm a forgetter.

I've had to learn to discipline myself to take notes and write lists and keep a calendar and keep on with those disciplines. I have to put effort into remembering responsibilities. Learning to lay off myself when I forget something important has been hard, but I've had to do it! Making one mistake, just one, doesn't mean I should quit trying. It's just one mistake. Keep trying! Keep working! Get better! Strive! You can do it!

You know what else I've had to learn to do? I've had to learn to trust the Lord's sovereignty. Is God not sovereign? Is he not sovereign over all things...even memory? I work hard and put strenuous effort into remembering, but if I forget something (usually an item from my grocery list), I can do without or get it later. Usually I remember just in time--and I praise my sovereign Lord for reminding me. I trust him to help me remember when I cannot.

Links for 2011-05-20

Serious

:: The Tulip Girl posts this quote from Bryan Chapell, and not a moment too soon. I need this kind of encouragement.

::Some of you may know that my school days are among my least fasvorite memories. Here, Ann Voskamp writes about redemption for painful memories.

::You knit me together in my mother's womb. Click.

Silly

::Smiaguel. Hahahaha.

::A shorn alpaca.

Other

::Yumm. More in-a-jar baking.

::Families need each other. If it's true among the animals, how much more among us people?

Evening Prayer, May 14

Lord, as this child of mine is soothed by my rocking and singing...just by my presence...may I, too, rest on your chest and grow peaceful because you are there.

As Baby struggles against, and then is calmed by, the swaddling blanket I wrap around him, may the bounds you have placed around me calm me instead of frustaring me.

Dear Jesus, though I struggle and often fail to love and care for this child (an eternal soul! entrusted to me!), I know that your love and care for me are always perfect.

Amen.

Five Minute Friday: Deep Breath...

Deep Breath...

In, out, in, out. Deep breathing is calming, relaxing. It loosens those tight shoulder muscles and cramped neck muscles, the ones that are knotty from holding, feeding, cuddling, calming a baby. In, out, in, out.

Deep breath: every breath belongs to you, Jesus. You, Holy Spirit, hovered over the waters in the beginning. Father, you took dirt and made us. Jesus, you Inspired us, gave us our first breaths.

God, you gave this baby his first breaths too. I consider the bronchia and the alveoli and the Oxygen-Carbon Dioxide exchange and wonder at how fearfully and wonderfully made we are. Breathing, it comes so naturally. How can such a mysterious, life-giving activity be so easy?

Breathing brings life to each body cell. It slows the mind. It calms the heart. When I find my tension rising, my anger building, my frustration mounting, breathing (take a deep breath...in, out, in, out) regulates those responses. Deep breathing eased some of the tension and discomfort on Labor Day (the biggest, most changeful, most momentous day of my life) and does the same now.

Lord, when I'm trapped in the miry clay of my earthy, worldly self, I breathe deeply, breathe the breath you granted me, the breath you designed me to take while I myself was being fearfully and wonderfully made, knitted together in my own mother's womb...I breathe deeply and am reminded that without you and your divine inspiration, I am nothing but crumbling dust.

Correcting Ignorance

Our pastor gave a killer sermon some weeks ago about correcting others' false facts about the Bible. There's a difference, he said, between humbly correcting fallacies and arrogantly putting people in their place.

Now comes the confession. In my school days (mostly high school), I was very good at putting people in their place. If they had their doctrine out of joint, I was there to point it out to them, whether they wanted it or not. Having me around made people feel like their proverbial zippers were always down. (This did not make me very many friends. Believe me.)

Then I went into reverse mode. I stopped correcting people at all and just became a sympathetic listener. I became a doormat. I was a jellyfish, with no spine of my own. (My convictions were good enough for me, but I didn't have to shove them down others' throats, right?)

Whew. I'm still in progress, still growing, but I'm coming closer to a happy medium. To be specific, I had a great talk last week with a co-worker about all kinds of things: we talked about the new Creation Museum (I said I didn't think a museum would change evolutionists' minds about origin theory); he asked what I believed about the Origin of Everything, and I explained the following:
What I Think About the Origin of Everything
1) I don't like that evolutionists take God out of the equation.
2) The Bible clearly states that God made everything out of nothing.
3) The Bible also says that God made people in a special way...he made Adam and Eve on purpose, with a special purpose in mind.

He digested this for a moment, then asked me to explain why, as he put it, "so many people just...you know...take the Bible and put it on a pedestal." He said it was a good book about morals but he doesn't run to it for the answer about everything. I gave that a moment to rumble around in my head. I wanted to think and answer clearly. Here is what I said:
Why I Quote the Bible so Often and Study it and Read it and Know it
1) The Bible says about itself that it's inspired, that it's truthful, that it's right. I believe that because I believe that the entire Bible is true.
2) The Bible is the story, from beginning to end, of Jesus Christ's relationship with his people. He's our Creator, He's our Savior, and He's our Redeemer.
3) The Bible is authoritative in what it talks about. It doesn't talk about a lot of things (say, for example, which brand of laundry detergent I should use during each season of my life), but the things it does talk about, it's right about.
4) The entire Bible isn't meant to be literal. The history sections and the doctrine-textbook sections are literal, but the poetry parts aren't! They are poetry and meant to be poetical.

The fella I was talking to listened. I hope that what I said was what he needed to hear. Then he went on to ask about other holy writings, like the Koran and the Bhaghavad Gita. I thought again and answered this:
How I Compare the Bible to Other Religious Texts:
1) Each of these texts explains the world in a certain way. All these worldviews are so different and cannot logically all be correct at the same time.
2) Each of these texts claims to be true. They're so different, teach differing views of the world, but again--they cannot all be correct and contradictory at the same time. (Logic dictates that red is red, and green is not red. It's green. Green and red cannot simultaneously be red!)
3) I already explained my relationship to the Bible and why I trust it. Those are the reasons I choose the Bible over the other texts. They cannot all be truth, and so I reject the other texts and choose the Bible.

I'm humbled that God gave me such a clear chance to answer questions without being pushy. I mean, he asked me to share what I know and believe. I pray that God will water the seeds of truth I told him about.

Counting

I didn't start thinking about the number of hairs on my head when I was faced with this hurt again this afternoon. It was this morning: I was picking up extra hours by helping with the Museum Shop's yearly inventory.

If you don't know how big a deal inventory is, let me tell you. Every item that's saleable has to be accounted for every year. It has to do with taxes, but it also has to do with reconciling what the paperwork says a store owns and what the store actually owns. So people have to physically count every single item in a store.

This is a big deal for big big big stores like Target and the other Big Box Store I worked at...they hire companies to come in and do the inventory for them, and all those workers have scanners and computers and systems of their own. It's harder for smaller stores, where the work has to be done the slow way. One by one, piece by piece, totals written down on paper and then later entered into a computer.

Anyway, I was helping count all the items in the store, and it's pretty tedious work. It's ok, because there are experienced people helping prepare and guide us as we do it, but the tedium is still there. It takes a lot of work to account for every single item in that store! We didn't even count fixtures, or display items. Just the saleable merchandise.

You know Who already knows each of the hairs on my head, all the stars in the sky, each grain of sand on all the beaches...every molecule and atom everywhere in creation? Of course. God--Jesus Christ, the Creator, the King of Kings--He knows. And He doesn't have to work hard to keep track of it all (like we do in retail stores). He just knows. He knows all the time, and with all of Himself, and remains perfectly at peace.

Losing Everything

Talk of the Nation has guests that were talking about losing everything. Now, I've never been in a situation where I've lost all my worldly possessions (like so many of the Katrina victims)...or all my health (to some disease or accident)...or all my loved ones (to some sort of terrible tragedy)...or all my money (like those Bernie Madaff victims)...or my way of life (again, like so many of the Katrina victims)...or my homeland (like my own grandparents, who became refugees and immigrants after World War II)...or all of the above (like Job). But, being someone who lives in a sinful world, I have been the victim of loss.

How does one deal with loss? How do I deal with loss? I have a situation in particular that keeps cropping up...every time I think I've figured out how to deal with this, it comes back. Every time I think I've forgiven the people involved, the hurt and anger comes back. It's a sense of vulnerability, of hurt, of shame, of anger, of rage and revenge.

Here's one thing I do know: the solution is not to 'check out.' Whether to lose myself in my work, in my family, in my sense of loss and hurt; or to tell myself that pain is an illusion; or to convince myself that the source of pain is an illusion...none of these is a good solution.

And here's another thing I know, and that I'm learning more and more in my day-to-day life: there is healing and safety in the true Word of the Lord. "Solution" means "it's ok, it's all gone, it's all over, forget it," and wounds like this cannot be "ok'd" away. What I want (and what I need) is healing--to acknowledge that damage has been done and that the hurt can be, in fact, healed.

• Nehemiah, in the midst of his labor for the City of Jerusalem, prayed to the Lord and asked him to remember his persecutors.
• Paul, in the midst of his lesson about how creation groans for the sons of God to be revealed, reminded us Christians that all things do (actually do!) work together for our good, if we belong to the Lord Jesus.
• Hagar, the slave of Sarah who was used for her master's and mistress's gain, and who was rejected along with her son--God came to her and reminded her that He is The God Who Sees.
• And the Psalmist, though his life so often sucked, praised the Lord that all the hairs on his head were counted. All the hairs on my head are counted, too. The Lord knows mundane details like that--how much more he knows this situation, too!

Thoughts of Former Seasons

Chatting with a colleague today, I realized that I've forgotten how stressful and uncertain the single/dating days were. Now that I'm here, I'm married...and we've navigated those strange newlywed days (and I've switched my thinking pretty much over to "us" not "me")...I look back and see all the ways God led and provided for me, for us.

But this colleague is in the thick of it. Is he the one? Will we be good together? Do I love him enough to do __ career-wise? Does he love me enough to do __ with his career?

So many, many questions. I must not forget the tenuousness and strain of those days. I post myself a little reminder here.

Some thoughts and links, Part 3

The most important reading I've been consuming has been the Bible. Just yesterday, I was reminded that the belief that a text is infallible, inspired and trustworthy is a matter of faith.

Anyway, here's a short verse that I've been meditating on for a week:

Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. --Matthew 3:6

Also, here's Matthew 3--the whole chapter.

Some thoughts and links, Part 1

Hi! How are you? It's been a while (as my title says), and life continues to march forward, but none of it seems important enough to blog about. It's just time, sliding by.

So I'm sharing a few posts today (hopefully) that will give you some reading and thinking.

First, this article from boundless-dot-org: When Pigs Fly. It gave me a new insight into some cultural influences on the men in my life--specifically my husband--and how to pray for them. When we got married, I made it a goal of mine to study him and learn him, and make him feel like I know him better than anyone else.

(whoa, I feel a post coming on! off I go!) I like to learn about personalities, reading books about personalities and relationships any chance I can get. Once I learn a little bit about patterns, I can learn how my husband tends to react in similar situations, and I can accomodate him and make him feel valued and treasured.

With all the different facets that we people have in our personalities (the topic of the article being only one of many!), it's a challenge to be a continual student of my husband's patterns, but it's a worthwhile and satisfying way to honor and respect him.

"Respect him." Two simple words! The one is the verb--what I should do (and tacked on to it is the subtext of why I should do it); the other is the object--whom I should respect. I'm not commanded to respect his masculinity, or his career, or his spirituality (though those are very vital parts of who he is)...I'm commanded to respect him. The wholeness of his personhood. How can I do that to the very best of my ability if I don't tailor it to the uniqueness and quirkiness of who he is?

Fruit

Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. --Matthew 3:8

Question for Readers

When we married, I asked him for a new Bible for my birthday. He came through (of course), and I resolved not to write in/highlight/underline in this one.

I like my old Bible with all its underlining and notes, but I really wanted to allow the words to speak to me freshly each time I read them. The previous markups remind me only of the previous lessons from those particular words.

So, what do you do? Do you mark up your Bibles, or do you leave the pages as they are? AND why?

Let Us Then Rejoice

Taken from Intellectuelle. It's a quote from Malcolm Muggeridge's The End of Christendom.

Let us then as Christians rejoice that we see around us at every hand the decay of the institutions and instruments of power, see intimations of empires falling to pieces, money in total disarray, dictators and parliamentarians alike nonplussed by the confusion and conflicts which encompass them. For it is precisely when every earthly hope has been explored and found wanting, when every possibility of help from earthly sources has been sought and is not forthcoming, when every recourse this world offers, moral as well as material, has been explored to no effect, when in the shivering cold the last [log] has been thrown on the fire and in the gathering darkness every glimmer of light has finally flickered out, it's then that Christ's hand reaches out, sure and firm. Then Christ's words bring their inexpressible comfort, then His light shines brightest, abolishing the darkness forever. So finding in everything only deception and nothingness, the soul is constrained to have recourse to God Himself and to rest content with Him.

You are my Shepherd

I drove to work this morning in a hurry. My morning "blah" time was interrupted. I got to Husband's school to drop off the VITAL thing he forgot and got really annoyed. This darn laryngitis! I realized the core of my bad attitude: I was mistrusting God's sovereignty. After all, why would He strike me dumb in the middle of a week in which I assist in teaching 17 K-2nd graders?

Then we went on our field trip. Know where we went? To a sheep farm. And you know what sheep are? They are creatures designed by our loving heavenly Father to teach us a little about ourselves...and how He cares for us.

I saw the flock of sheep come running when the shepherdess walked to the gate with their bucket of food. They saw a crowd of strangers, hesitated...and when one turned away, the rest of them ran away.

I heard the shepherdess tell us about the importance of fence. Fence keeps the sheep off the road, on the pasture, out of the ponds, and fence keeps the coyotes and wild dogs OUT!

I heard the shepherdess talk about looking for a lost sheep. If one doesn't come for the morning feeding (she counts them to verify their presence), then she goes looking for it.

I saw a sheep getting sheared. Do you know they only have to fasten the sheep's head to what they call a "block." The shepherdess said, and I quote, "All we have to do is tie the sheep by the head and the rest of the sheep will follow the head. If the head is fastened good and tight, then the sheep will stand totally still."

!

He turned my attitude around then and there. I thanked God for his faithful care of this poor silly sheep...even in the midst of mute laryngitis...even with a bad attitude...even when I'm stubborn and ridiculous.

Because I'm easily spooked. Because I need safe fences to keep me away from danger and predators away from me. Because I get lost and need Him to come looking for me. Because I want to be docile and manageable--I need to be docile and manageable.

Lord, shepherd me.

Crusted Over

I've been writing this one post and it was going to be all about why I like my new job so much more than other jobs I've worked in recent history. It's ok to have preferences, BUT my attitude has been hard-hearted and purely pragmatical.

You're getting this post instead.

The Reading of the Law in this morning's church service convicted me. Have you ever had one of those moments, where you are reading or hearing some of the most familiar words of the Bible and they just seem to leap out at you? Read this passage, and I'll emphasize for you what leapt out at me:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. --Ephesians 6:5-8 ESV (emphasis mine)

The double-edged sword of the Word of the Lord cuts through even our attitudes--not just our actions. I confess that my 'sincere heart' and 'good will' have been crusted over by a layer of cynicism. I do like my job, but I want to think about the reasons that are positive in and of themselves, instead of "why it's so much better than my previous jobs." My cynical hard-heartedness shines forth in that sort of comparison. So, I'll wait another few days till I post about why I like my job.

Record

I scored a new journal today. It's pretty cheap, but I got it for nearly nothing. Yippee!

The cover says "Record," and I know it was intended to be a noun, as in, "This is a record of events." But I am looking at it as a verb, as in, "I am going to record what needs to be recorded."

Hunger

I'm hungry right now. I can feel tightness and emptiness, that odd hot-but-not-burning sensation in my entire gut but centralized in my stomach, and the general discomfort of hunger. My stomach hasn't started growling yet, but it's getting ready to.

I haven't ever been really, really hungry. Never starving. But I feel it right now.

Pop quiz, everyone: describe hunger when you're not hungry. Or describe a headache when you're not headachy; or sciatica when your legs feel fine; or (not that I've ever felt this pain either) a broken bone when you're fully intact; or anything else when it's not urgent.

How can we do it?
How can we describe faith when the urgency of need isn't there? How can we explain to somone, "Well, I figured out that my soul is eternal and that my sin sets me at odds with God, the Just Judge of eternal souls, and I knew something had to give, and I asked God to do what he promised me--I asked him to save me," when they don't feel the pressing need like we do?